(We hear fanfare and FRIAR
carries a large piece of cloth before the PRINCE'S entrance.
When the PRINCE is seated, FRIAR removes the cloth with a flourish
and reveals the PRINCE seated in grandeur. The cue ends with
the sound of a crowd cheering. PRINCE stands and gives a weary
wave to the peons. FRIAR stands at his side, clapping delightedly.)
FRIAR: The crowd
loves you, your majesty!
yes. They must have something to fill their dreary little days.
worship the ground you walk on.
at his feet.) The ground, yes, lovely ground where I have walked.
FRIAR: You see
the throngs basking in the glow of your presence? Why just look
at these loyal subjects down here in the front row. (To
audience/children, whispering: ) Wave, wave! Make him think
you love him! All together now: Long Live Prince John!
Live Prince John!
delighted.) Ah! Ha! Yes, very nice. (Pats
his hands in approval.)
FRIAR: And see
all these royal subjects over here. (To audience, coaching.)
Long live Prince John!
live Prince John!
Scruffy bunch, but quite delightful, yes. Just look at them...
basking in my presence.
FRIAR: There are
also many lovely ladies, your majesty. All of them just pining
away to give you their hand in marriage.
PRINCE: Are they
brunettes? I only like brunettes.
FRIAR: Lots of
blond hair, well, its just garish don't you think? I like
things to be tasteful. But what is this you say about
marriage? It's already been decided! I want to marry Maid
Marian and that is that.
FRIAR: But your
highness, if I may be so bold...
PRINCE: You may
not be bold! Tell me in my ear. (FRIAR whispers in ear.)
Not want to marry me! Maid Marian doesn't want to marry
me? Well, it's poppycock I say, apple sauce and horse
fooey! What maiden would refuse to marry ME!
FRIAR: None your highness.
Well all right then.
beautiful maiden in Nottingham wants to marry you.
PRINCE: Now you
see? Now of course you make some sense.
Except?? (FRIAR tells him in his ear.) MAID
MARIAN!! It's because of that Robin Hoodlum isn't
it? First he robs me of my forest! It was all nicely
stocked, full of caribou and water fowl. Hunted down by all
these dreadful merry men. He's robbed my carriage thirty times,
every golden bauble every guilded doo-dad... gone I tell you! (Near
tears.) And I so love my baubles and doo-dads.
(FRIAR lets him cry in his
arms, sees ROBIN over the PRINCE'S shoulder. He creeps close to
them, robbing the gold trinkets from the throne, finding money bags
behind it. FRIAR picks the PRINCE'S pocket and hands coins to
ROBIN. ROBIN lifts the PRINCE's robe to find money bags at his
feet. All the while the PRINCE is crying in FRIAR'S arms,
He took my golden
challis. Yes. It was made of gold. And he took my
pinkie toe ring I'm not sure how he did that I just woke up one day
and there it was my naked pinkie toe. Once it was my fork!
Yes, my fork. I was eating melon, a very nice melon none of
these over-ripe fiascoes you see at market... And now it's Maid
Marian!! I tell you Friar Tuck, it's enough to make a grown man cryyyyyyyy...
(At last ROBIN cuts the
gold chain around PRINCE's neck and goes for the crown. PRINCE
stops and looks up as the crown hovers above his head. ROBIN
looks at FRIAR, FRIAR shakes his head no, that's going to far.
ROBIN replaces the crown, PRINCE goes back to crying. ROBIN
drops a noisy bag of money. PRINCE stops to look, ROBIN hides
behind him, peek-a-boo business here. At last PRINCE sees ROBIN
but he has covered his face with the BEGGAR'S robe.)
Alms for the poor?
Guards! Seize this pathetic flea bag at once. Guard!
(GUARD enters, sees ROBIN
GUARD: What is
your pleasure, Excellency?
remove this... this foul thing.
GUARD: (to ROBIN)
PRINCE: Throw him
out on his skinny little duff.
GUARD: I'll be
sores. Eye sores everywhere. It takes a Prince to bear it.
(GUARD throws ROBIN out,
they exit. MUSIC CUE: Fanfare, the contest is
about to begin.)
Entertainment for heaven sake it's about time. Now Friar Tuck I
must tell you of my brilliant plan! It's quite diabolical and
top secret . So I want you to keep it under your hat.
(Sees FRIAR is bald and
Yes, well, do what you
can. Take a look that way. Do see in the bushes?
And that way just beyond the ridge?
FRIAR: The King's men.
King's men?! Of course they are not the King's men, they are my
men! They owe their allegiance to me!
FRIAR: Of course
your majesty, slip of the tongue.
PRINCE: Now I want you
to keep an eye peeled for that Robin scoundrel. The minute you
see him, whisper in my ear, and I'll give my men the signal.
They'll bag him in seconds! Oh it's genius, genius!
Robin Hood won't be able to resist an archery contest!
Certainly not when the prize is a Golden Arrow. Um, by the way,
where is my Golden Arrow?
(FRIAR looks around.
ROBIN has all ready stolen it.)
FRIAR: (Stage whisper.)
Psst! Robin! The Golden Arrow! We can't have a
contest without the arrow!
(ROBIN hands it off, just
his arm and the arrow showing behind the backdrop. FRIAR puts
it on pillow and brings it ceremoniously to PRINCE.)
lovely! And keep this handy. (Hands FRIAR an over-sized
butterfly net.) Who knows which way this Robin will fly?
Get it? Robin, fly? (Delighted.) Oh, I made
a joke! Trumpets please!
(ROBIN steps out from
behind the banner dressed as a Jester, with a trumpet to his lips.)
(ROBIN plays the horn,
making a comic mess of it. He may just use his voice to do the
PRINCE: Do you
call that playing a trumpet? Don't make me laugh.
ROBIN: But your
majesty, I came here to make you laugh! (Does a merry jig.)
Yes sir, yes sir
I'm a jester.
I tell my jokes
For all the rester.
Laugh like monkeys.
Smile like clowns.
Laughter makes the
World go 'round!
(ROBIN does somersaults,
juggles, a magic trick such as pulling a coin from the PRINCE'S ear.
Ad-libs encouraged. Riddles below can be presented to audience
Riddle me once! Why did
the jester laugh up his sleeve?
That's where his funny bone is.
Riddle me twice! Why do
dragons sleep during the day?
So they can fight knights!
Riddle me thrice! What
do you call a knight caught in a windstorm?
A nightingale. (knight in gale)
(PRINCE eventually laughs
in spite of himself.)
Hoo-hoo. Mildly amusing. I'll let you live.
Friar Tuck, introduce the champions!
PRINCE: It does
not warrant repeating.
FRIAR: You mean
archers, men with bows and arrows?
archers are permitted, this isn't the middle ages you know.
THE GAMES BEGIN!
Note: This is a
sample from the actual script. To review the entire play, order
the PERUSAL SCRIPT (online instant download).