putting on mad scientist voice.)
Ah ha! My trusted assistant! Welcome to my la-bore-atory!
I see you found the secret passageway!
Knock it off, Frankie. Anybody can see this is just your
basement and I came in through the cellar door.
Quite right my faithful friend, Igor!
bar from backpack.)
My faithful assistant and constant companion, Igor!
Not this again.
Once again I must express my sympathies for the unfortunate and
astonishing growth of some kind on your back! (Pointing.)
On your back!
(IRVING drops into
Igor stance. His backpack becomes his hump.
He suddenly hunches and drags one foot across the floor. Speaks
in Igor voice.)
Thank you, master. Very kind.
Never mention it! A scientist must be aware of the infirmities
and misfortunes all around him! In this way science can improve
the lot of mankind!
(Forgetting to be
Igor, taking a bite of candy bar.)
Speaking of which, whats your big plan for the science fair?
(Back to Igor.)
I mean... (Hunches.)
What is to be your next experiment, master?
It is interesting you should ask me that! I was considering a
wind experiment! It would involve living birds and feathers and
flare guns and earwax! The result would tell us the properties
of the heat generated by a chickens wing as it tries to fly
which it cannot do! In short a study of alternative
energy and advanced aerodynamics!
Mrs. Mulvaney keeps chickens in her backyard. You want I
Then I considered a quest for the understanding of the chemistry of
removing grass stains from a soiled and wretched football
jersey! An outcome that would benefit overworked mothers
everywhere for although detergents claim to get out stubborn grass
stains they never do! Such a discovery would be a boon for mankind!
No problem, plenty of those in my closet.
The most miraculous thing occurred!
(Removes a cloth from a box.)
Behold! It arrived quite out of the blue just this very morning!
FedEx or UPS?
Ah, master! From whence came this marvelous new thing and what
in the Sam Hill is it?
Look! Just take a gander with your good eye at
the return address.
(He slides his foot over and looks.)
(FRANKIE stands at ecstatic
attention, gloating. IRVING drops Igor routine.)
Oh, come on, Frankie.
Theres no way you got a package from Transylvania.
(Dropping the mad scientist.)
It was on the front door step when I got up this morning. It
came from Transylvania. Look, Irving! Thats what it
says right there on the label!
You put it on there.
I did not! I totally swear on my parakeets grave!
Scouts honor! Cross my heart and hope to die.
In my eye!
box, very big. He tugs it, kicks it.)
Somebodys playing a trick on you.
(Back to mad scientist.)
There are no tricks in science! Everything can be
scientifically proven! I believe that what we have here, dear
Igor, is the clue to my most magnificent experiment yet!
completely gone. Suddenly scared.)
You think we should?
What else are we going to do?
Igor! Hand me my scalpel!
Frankie, we dont have any scalpels. Heres the scissors.
(FRANKIE cuts the string. Opens
flaps and dives into the box, packing peanuts flying everywhere.
FRANKIES feet are kicking above the box.)
(FRANKIE makes muffled sound,
head in box.)
(FRANKIE comes up for air.)
Nothing? Let me look.
(IRVING climbs in
and scrambles around.)
... on the bottom.
(He comes up for air.)
(IRVING holds up enormous book.)
(IRVING hands it
to FRANKIE. FRANKIE blows off the dust. Reads.)
How I Did It
How he did what? Who wrote it?
It says right here. Written by Herr Doctor...
Herr Doctor who, what? What?
Herr. Doctor. Victor. Von.
(FRANKIE looks up amazed.)
Sudden terrifying organ music! Thunder! [sample]
IRVING and FRANKIE stare at each
other, open-mouthed, wide-eyed and frozen as KIDZ enter with a large
piece of silk cloth and flutter it in front of them to hide the
scene. FRANKIE and IRVING exit behind cloth as MRS. NEWTON takes her
place behind it.
School bell. SOUND
When the KIDZ flutter the cloth
away, MRS. NEWTON is standing behind it calling her class to order.
All right, class! Everyone in their seats.
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