fanfare and FRIAR carries a large piece of cloth before the PRINCE'S
entrance. When the PRINCE is seated, FRIAR removes the cloth
with a flourish and reveals the PRINCE seated in grandeur. The
cue ends with the sound of a crowd cheering. PRINCE stands and
gives a weary wave to the peons. FRIAR stands at his side,
The crowd loves you, your majesty!
Yes, yes. They must have something to fill their dreary little days.
They worship the ground you walk on.
(Looks at his feet.) The ground, yes, lovely ground
where I have walked.
You see the throngs basking in the glow of your presence? Why
just look at these loyal subjects down here in the front row. (To
audience/children, whispering: ) Wave, wave! Make him
think you love him! All together now: Long Live Prince John!
Long Live Prince John!
(Vaguely delighted.) Ah! Ha! Yes, very nice.
(Pats his hands in approval.)
And see all these royal subjects over here. (To audience, coaching.)
Long live Prince John!
Long live Prince John!
Ha! Scruffy bunch, but quite delightful, yes. Just look
at them... basking in my presence.
There are also many lovely ladies, your majesty. All of them
just pining away to give you their hand in marriage.
Are they brunettes? I only like brunettes.
Lots of brunettes, sire.
Because blond hair, well, its just garish don't you think? I
like things to be tasteful. But what is this you say about
marriage? It's already been decided! I want to marry Maid
Marian and that is that.
But your highness, if I may be so bold...
You may not be bold! Tell me in my ear. (FRIAR
whispers in ear.) Not want to marry me! Maid Marian
doesn't want to marry me? Well, it's poppycock I say, apple
sauce and horse fooey! What maiden would refuse to marry ME!
None your highness.
(Settling.) Well all right then.
Every beautiful maiden in Nottingham wants to marry you.
Now you see? Now of course you make some sense.
Except?? (FRIAR tells him in his ear.) MAID
MARIAN!! It's because of that Robin Hoodlum isn't
it? First he robs me of my forest! It was all nicely
stocked, full of caribou and water fowl. Hunted down by all
these dreadful merry men. He's robbed my carriage thirty times,
every golden bauble every guilded doo-dad... gone I tell you! (Near
tears.) And I so love my baubles and doo-dads.
lets him cry in his arms, sees ROBIN over the PRINCE'S shoulder.
He creeps close to them, robbing the gold trinkets from the throne,
finding money bags behind it. FRIAR picks the PRINCE'S pocket
and hands coins to ROBIN. ROBIN lifts the PRINCE's robe to find
money bags at his feet. All the while the PRINCE is crying in
FRIAR'S arms, babbling away.)
He took my
golden challis. Yes. It was made of gold. And he
took my pinkie toe ring I'm not sure how he did that I just woke up
one day and there it was my naked pinkie toe. Once it was my
fork! Yes, my fork. I was eating melon, a very nice melon
none of these over-ripe fiascoes you see at market... And now
it's Maid Marian!! I tell you Friar Tuck, it's enough to make a
grown man cryyyyyyyy...
ROBIN cuts the gold chain around PRINCE's neck and goes for the
crown. PRINCE stops and looks up as the crown hovers above his
head. ROBIN looks at FRIAR, FRIAR shakes his head no, that's
going to far. ROBIN replaces the crown, PRINCE goes back to
crying. ROBIN drops a noisy bag of money. PRINCE stops to
look, ROBIN hides behind him, peek-a-boo business here. At last
PRINCE sees ROBIN but he has covered his face with the BEGGAR'S robe.)
Alms? Alms for the poor?
Guards! Seize this pathetic flea bag at once. Guard!
enters, sees ROBIN as BEGGAR.)
What is your pleasure, Excellency?
Please remove this... this foul thing.
(to ROBIN) You again!
Throw him out on his skinny little duff.
I'll be happy to!
Eye sores. Eye sores everywhere. It takes a Prince to
throws ROBIN out, they exit. MUSIC CUE: Fanfare,
the contest is about to begin.)
Yes! Entertainment for heaven sake it's about time. Now
Friar Tuck I must tell you of my brilliant plan! It's quite
diabolical and top secret . So I want you to keep it under your hat.
FRIAR is bald and quite hatless.)
Yes, well, do
what you can. Take a look that way. Do see in the
bushes? And that way just beyond the ridge?
The King's men.
The King's men?! Of course they are not the King's men, they
are my men! They owe their allegiance to me!
Of course your majesty, slip of the tongue.
Now I want you to keep an eye peeled for that Robin scoundrel.
The minute you see him, whisper in my ear, and I'll give my men the
signal. They'll bag him in seconds! Oh it's genius,
genius! Robin Hood won't be able to resist an archery
contest! Certainly not when the prize is a Golden Arrow.
Um, by the way, where is my Golden Arrow?
looks around. ROBIN has all ready stolen it.)
(Stage whisper.) Psst! Robin! The Golden
Arrow! We can't have a contest without the arrow!
hands it off, just his arm and the arrow showing behind the
backdrop. FRIAR puts it on pillow and brings it ceremoniously
Lovely, lovely! And keep this handy. (Hands FRIAR an
over-sized butterfly net.) Who knows which way this Robin will
fly? Get it? Robin, fly? (Delighted.)
Oh, I made a joke! Trumpets please!
steps out from behind the banner dressed as a Jester, with a trumpet
to his lips.)
plays the horn, making a comic mess of it. He may just use his
voice to do the fanfare: Doo-doo-dit-dee-do!)
Do you call that playing a trumpet? Don't make me laugh.
But your majesty, I came here to make you laugh! (Does a
Yes sir, yes sir
I'm a jester.
I tell my jokes
For all the rester.
Laugh like monkeys.
Smile like clowns.
World go 'round!
does somersaults, juggles, a magic trick such as pulling a coin from
the PRINCE'S ear. Ad-libs encouraged. Riddles below can be
presented to audience to answer.)
once! Why did the jester laugh up his sleeve?
his funny bone is.
twice! Why do dragons sleep during the day?
So they can
thrice! What do you call a knight caught in a windstorm?
nightingale. (knight in gale)
eventually laughs in spite of himself.)
Hoo-hoo. Mildly amusing. I'll let you live.
Friar Tuck, introduce the champions!
It does not warrant repeating.
You mean archers, men with bows and arrows?
Female archers are permitted, this isn't the middle ages you know.
Actually it is...
LET THE GAMES BEGIN!
This is a sample from the actual script. To review the entire
play, order the PERUSAL SCRIPT (online instant download).